In keeping with the personality of our church, here you will find a new set of puns or jokes every month.

A farmer who grew watermelons was doing pretty well, but some local kids
would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. The
farmer came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away
for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field: "Warning! One of
the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
 
That night the kids saw the sign and they ran off to plot revenge. Next
morning there were no watermelons missing, but a new sign said: "Now there
are two!"

He who lives in a glass house should change his clothes in the basement.

He who throws mud loses ground.

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.
 
"What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide.
 
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
 
When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: "So, what's the answer?"
 
The guide replied: "One."

Silence is always golden. Sometimes it's just plain 'yellow'.

Sign in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind is
our manure spreader.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Bill, the boss, was concerned that his employees weren't giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said "I'm the Boss" and taped it to his door.
 
After lunch, he noticed Willie had taped another note under his: "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine "Fred."

A motorist was on trial for striking a pedestrian.
 
The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."
 
To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over 55 years!"

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Small minds discuss persons. Average minds discuss events. Great minds discuss ideas.

The road to success is always under construction.

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
 
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
 
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Jokes and puns courtesy of Mikey's Funnies
Movie quote courtesy of www.imdb.com