In keeping with the personality of our church, here you will find a new set of puns or jokes every month.

I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I'm on the last one.

A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.

He turned to his wife: "You know, I'll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!".

When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Remember Adam & Eve? It wasn't the apple in the tree but the pair on the ground that was the problem.

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.

When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend, Ike.

"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."

So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"

And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:

"Funny you should ask," said the Voice. "I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . ."

A police officer stopped a motorist for failing to come to a full stop at a stop sign and proceeded to give him a ticket.

The motorist protested, "Don't I get a warning?"

The officer replied, "Sure. If you don't come to a complete stop next time, you'll get another ticket."

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

Bacon is a vegetable.

TOP 7 NEW BOOKS ON SPIRITUAL GROWTH

7. Discipling for Dummies

6. How to Fast Between Meals

5. Deferred Tithing

4. Living Simply, for Fun and Profit (and Prophet)

3. Betcha Can't Quit Gambling

2. 101 New Clichés

1. Sacrifice Made Easy

Dead men tell no tales...unless you're in forensics.

Jokes and puns courtesy of Mikey's Funnies
Movie quote courtesy of www.imdb.com