In keeping with the personality of our church, here you will find a new set of puns or jokes every month.

THE KNOTS PRAYER
 
Dear God,
 
Please untie the knots
that are in my mind,
my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots,
the can nots and the do nots
that I have in my mind.
 
Erase the will nots,
may nots, and
might nots that find
a home in my heart.
 
Release me from the could nots,
would nots and should nots
that obstruct my life.
 
And most of all, dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind
my heart and my life all of the am nots
that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thought
that I am not good enough.
 
Amen.

The greatest thing about Grace is that it makes life not fair.

Little Susie: "I don't want to eat this squash."
 
Mommy: "But it's good for you, darling."
 
Little Susie: "But I don't LIKE it!"
 
Mommy: "You like pretending. Why don't you pretend it's ice cream?"
 
Little Susie: "Why can't I just pretend it's gone?"

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next famous bodybuilder, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
 
"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."
 
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.
 
"Please, Dad?!"
 
"They're not cheap either."
 
"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."
 
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
 
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What!? You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at them.

Little Dewey and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Dewey received his plate, he started eating right away.
 
"Dewey! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.
 
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
 
"Of course, you do." his mother insisted through gritted teeth. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
 
"That's at our house," Dewey explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Bald spot? No, that's a solar panel for brain power.

Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
 
Tech Support: This Fire Help. Me Groog.
 
User: Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
 
Tech Support: You have flint and stone?
 
User: Ugh.
 
Tech Support: You hit them together?
 
User: Ugh.
 
Tech Support: What happen?
 
User: Fire not work.
 
Tech Support: *sigh* Make spark?
 
User: No spark. No fire. Me confused. Fire work yesterday.
 
Tech Support: *sigh* You change rock?
 
User: I change nothing.
 
Tech Support: You sure?
 
User: Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change. Shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
 
Tech Support: (Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave)

It is better to be roughly right than to be precisely wrong.

During training exercises, the green lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road.
 
He encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
 
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
 
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

Honk if you love Jesus! Text while driving if you want to meet Him.

Jokes and puns courtesy of Mikey's Funnies
Movie quote courtesy of www.imdb.com